#98: The Three Musketeers

I was wrong.  This was my first time reading The Three Musketeers.  I recognized my mistake right away.  For instance, if you haven't read the book, but have only seen crappy reconstructions in various forms, did you know that d'Artagnan, the main character, is not even a member of "The Three Musketeers"?!   What crack was Alexandre Dumas smoking when he came up with his title?  Talk about misleading!  But you want to know what isn't misleading?  The fact that this book has been applauded for over a century and is #98 on the list of the best novels of all time.  I can see why.

(Check out The Book Club Book's new quiz, Which Musketeer Are You? )

What I Loved...
was the villain.  No, not Cardinal Richelieu.  He's a sad puppy dog compared to the real star of this book, the evil Milady Clarik de Winter.  Beautiful, seductive, brilliant, and with a soul as black as onyx, her vengeance was her downfall.  Like everyone else, I was as drawn to her as I was repulsed.  Watch her stalk her prey:
  
Then Milady collected all her energies, murmuring in the depths of her soul the name of Felton--the only beam of light that penetrated to her in the hell into which she had fallen; and like a serpent which folds and unfolds its rings to ascertain its strength, she enveloped Felton beforehand in the thousand meshes of her inventive imagination.
 
I was disappointed when she met her end with the Musketeers' revenge.  C'mon, don't lie!  You wanted the coyote to catch the roadrunner just as much as I did!

Aside from enjoying Milady's escapades, I also loved the lackeys, particularly d'Artagnan's lackey, Planchet.  Poor, 17th century lackeys.  The most they could ever hope for in life was to be the lowly servant of a great man, and in the (four) Musketeers, they could not have hoped for better.  But still, wouldn't it suck to stand on the sidelines, forever faithful, and never receive a bit of notoriety for the part you play in your master's successes?  And I'm not sure their treatment deserves so much devotedness.

D'Artagnan did reflect, and resolved to thrash Planchet provisionally; which he did with the conscientiousness that d'Artagnan carried into everything. After having well beaten him, he forbade him to leave his service without his permission.

Geez, let's tone it down a little.  This apparently took place before the Lackey's Union reformed the industry and ensured safe working conditions for lackeys everywhere.

What I Hated...
was Porthos.  Seriously, Dumas, you could have kept the title, "The Three Musketeers".  All you had to do was ditch Porthos from the story forever.  Let us ask ourselves, did he ever do anything to advance the plot of this story, was he necessary, cunning, useful in any way???  No, no, no, and no.  Ditch him.  Milady knows, just ask her:

"...tell him that among these four men two only are to be feared--d'Artagnan and Athos; tell him that the third, Aramis, is the lover of Madame de Chevreuse--he may be left alone, we know his secret, and it may be useful; as to the fourth, Porthos, he is a fool, a simpleton, a blustering booby, not worth troubling himself about." 

Well said, Milady.  I knew I liked you!  By the way, if you take the Which Musketeer Are You? quiz, and you get Porthos, I am truly sorry.  It isn't that you're a bad person  It's just...maybe "musketeering" isn't the best profession for you.

And then, being that I don't hate myself or my gender, I had a problem with the sexism.  Sure, The Three Musketeers made its appearance in the mid-1800's.  It was a different world, as they tell me.  That doesn't mean my blood doesn't run a little hot when I read things like this:

It is with valets as with wives, they must be placed at once upon the footing in which you wish them to remain. 

Hmm, I don't have to wonder as to why so many married women had lovers.  It wasn't a crime to bully your wife back then.  Laissez-faire?  I say, lasso their ass up and put them in jail!

What's Next?
I'm now reading Bram Stoker's Dracula, and I'm not much excited.  This will be the third time I've read this book, the first being when I was eight-years-old, and the last being just two years ago.  Ugh!  I detest to read a book more than once!  Isn't it enough that I've already broken that rule, but now, I'm going so far as to read it for a third time?  Well, I will do it, and do you know why?  Because I made a commitment, and I would not want to disappoint you, Dear Reader.  Undoubtedly, I will speed-read through this one.  There isn't much risk of missing anything.  I'll be surprised if I don't have the book memorized by the time I'm done!